This is a piece I wrote years ago and read at an open mic at the Trinidad Theatre Workshop, before Covid claimed all the good times. It was well received back then. I hope you enjoy!

I always wanted to be a virgin bride. Pristine and untouched in my virginity, ready to be claimed by the man who would be brave enough to put a ring on it. Who am I kidding? No one wanted even to look my way so I doubt I would have had a hard time keeping this hymen intact.  I wanted to be a virgin bride because the good Lord had decreed it and it was the way that women should be because sex was wrong outside of marriage and those women were sluts if they were out there spreading their legs every which way. If they knew what was good for them, they would give their lives to the lord.

I wanted to be a virgin bride and then I turned 9 and the hormones started to tickle me in places that, while I knew I had to keep clean, I didn’t much know what use they had.

I wanted to be a virgin bride and then I turned 14 and puberty hit me late like a brick wall, and the dark thoughts in my head—constantly in my head—were front and centre in hushed discussions with my friends. I wanted to be a virgin bride, so I focussed on the good Lord’s word. I gave my life to the lord, I wrapped my head in cloths of different colours, and was laid on a cold floor as African drums lulled me to the other side…to dream cast; to commune…to exist on another plane. I saw things, I knew things, I felt things and then I was back, and I wanted to be a virgin bride even more.

I wanted to be a virgin bride until I turned 16 and I rode in a taxi with a friend’s boyfriend whose hand snuck up my school skirt; inch by inch. I froze and knew that the level of betrayal occurring was tantamount to Judas’ very deceit. But, his hands, they snuck up, up, up and made me forget about being a virgin anything. Made me forget about what the good Lord taught me of how to keep my modesty. His hands sent me to that space where I felt I could commune; I existed on another plane.

I wanted to be a virgin bride until I turned 19 and I met a man who made the secret parts of me go warm and wet. His smile made my stomach clench and his kiss made me forget. Tugged shirts, pants, and skirts in a guest house in…well, wherever. I held on…I still wanted to be a virgin bride. So, I did the next best thing. I was still a virgin if I got on my knees and filled my mouth with the gift of his manhood, right? I was still a virgin if I laid on my back and allowed him to inspect all the ins and outs of my special place, right? Maybe still a virgin if…just the tip, right?

I still wanted to be a virgin bride, but it seemed like Lucifer himself had other plans for me because why else did he send all those triple X thoughts to run through my head in 1080p, high definition, Dolby surround sound when I was supposed to be studying, eating, bathing, sleeping? Why else did he make me want those who I couldn’t have? Why did Lucifer himself make me sin so, so much?

At 21 I met a guy who was everything I dreamed of, strong, handsome, rich. Haha! Husband material! He even loved the lord and wanted to marry me almost instantly. I was going to be that virgin bride! Hallelujah! But Lucifer had other thoughts on that. That scheming angel made it so that when we were alone my clothes would mysteriously come off and I would be…just on the line before I declared my virginity. I wanted to be a virgin bride dammit! Why didn’t Lucifer understand that?

At 22 I realised that Lucifer was me and I was Lucifer and Lucifer was not the devil I thought he was. He/she/me was the woman I suddenly realised I was supposed to be, and I said fuck it. I rode the horse till the shoes came off and I went to a higher plane; I saw nirvana and it was good. This was what I had been fighting and I fought no longer. I felt God, I called his name. I claimed who I was in real-time and not some future self that was supposed to be some particular way. I used my cheat code to unlock higher levels to…well…not a virgin bride. To a woman who unashamedly claims who she is, what she wants, and is not afraid to go after it.

Be afraid, be very afraid because there are a lot of us out there; walking around, ready to take on the power and claim it in our mouths. Consume it and return it tenfold. We are ready to clench our muscles around it and squeeze all the juices out. Make you find your God; make you feel him/her/it deep inside you, deep in your soul. Be afraid, be very afraid.